Yes, it’s officially been over a month ago since I physically evicted my new son out of my womb. It was a sweet and sour moment for me. I think because part of me wanted to have my body back badly, however the other part knew there was a hell of a lot of work to do from here on out. When you’re not pregnant anymore, reality hits you harder than you think. This is probably why people always insist that you spend your pregnancy enjoying the moment, bask in your ability to create life, and be grateful for all the productive ish you can avoid doing because no one wants you to “strain yourself”. I spent my pregnancy thinking about all the things I’m going to do when I’m not pregnant anymore, that I may have missed a little of that. Nevertheless, at the exact moment that I was able to move my formerly pregnant body, life reminded me just how real it can get. Please believe, I’m still celebrating… however, it’s just not exactly how I thought it would be.
Here is a list of real reminders that I faced, dealing with my life as a non-pregnant woman. It’s been so long, I almost forgot.
Your Body – Of course the first thing that’s different is that the 5-10lb. baby is gone! You are relieved you can breathe easy with a little weight off you. However, I totally forgot how long it took to lose the rest still hanging off you like some old FUBU sweat suit. I sat staring at this pouch for weeks, wondering why it was still hanging on to my body. Last time it seemed like it just jumped off, this time it’s acting like a clinging one-night-stand that doesn’t get the picture. People will not be as forgiving about your sagging ass belly, because you’re not pregnant anymore. They will have to be told that you just had a baby, but you can’t use that excuse forever. I’m getting real re-acquainted with my spanx and girdles for the next several months, because I don’t have time to chin check folks for staring at my after birth aftermath.
Beat Your Face and Get Dressed – I regret not using every opportunity I could to look like a bum. I seriously felt so compelled to dress up (trying to distract from the pregnancy) that I wouldn’t be caught dead in just a t-shirt and jeans, or even flats sometimes. I blamed Beyonce a few months back, but she did set the bar too high. Now, as tired as I’ve been, I really want to be lazy and just say “F*ck It!” I’m not pregnant anymore, so folks won’t overlook me wearing pajamas in public, not having my face washed and polished, and rocking my hair scarf to the store. I should’ve played that damn card when I had it.
You Better Wait! – When I was pregnant, food came quickly, seats were given up, I didn’t have to carry anything, and my comfort was priority number one. I missed that part the most, let me just be honest. If I wanted to throw a tantrum, my hormones were the blame, not sweet pregnant me. Life was full of undeserved justice. Nowadays, if I’m hungry… that’s tough. If I’m tired…. So what? I tried complaining, but my once very loud voice is muffled by someone much smaller and louder, stealing my thunder. I can’t believe that all that tender loving care that I was being treated to, was not for me at all. It was for the person inside of me, who is still receiving it and often. I’m back to writing my congressional representative about my gripes with the world and we all know how that goes.
Let’s Talk About Sex – Pregnancy left me with this insatiable appetite to get skin to skin with the one I love, day in and day out. I’m not going to front on how bad I wanted to get busy. However, gravity and my physical capabilities left me feeling a little insecure about my skills. I can’t go all out in the bedroom with a 6lb. human being strapped to my chest as if I’m a suicide bomber. That’s not very sexy! I had big dreams of turning my man inside out, but settled for spooning and cuddling instead. It hurt me to not provide what I’ve been the master at for ten years, nevertheless my husband said he’ll hold it down and make up for loss time when everything is over. Now, I’m much smaller and even more capable of doing my thing…. However, the damn doctors say wait 6 weeks. Torture, it’s all torture!
Pissing Everybody Off – A bluntly honest person like me can get away with saying some rude mess to a few people… with a baby in her stomach. People tend to avoid getting upset with the pregnant chick, because she is “so fragile” and doesn’t need the “stress”. After you’re done being pregnant, people don’t give two farts and a shit about making you mad. It is almost as if some people save all the bullshit that will set you off for the exact moment after you deliver your newborn child. I wanted to kick their asses then; I want to kick their asses now. Either way, we can’t be that kind of person. We have to allow the small stuff to just role off our backs and ignore the nonsense. However, with the amount of adrenaline rushing through my body from a lack of sex and some dormant hormones, I sometimes see a slip coming up soon.
No Excuses – Clean the house, make dinner, do laundry, read bedtime stories, the list of chores is never ending. With all my responsibilities, I’m wondering why it seems harder now that I’m not pregnant. Oh yeah, I was being spoiled rotten. Now I’m saturated in the homemaker warfare and I have no ammunition. You can’t go without doing the required labor, because there are no excuses left. You have to get back on your grind. There was a time where you could fall behind, and it was ok because you’re pregnant. Nowadays, you’re just nasty, lazy, and trifling’ if you don’t get it together.
What Happened To My Feminine Side? – I used to cry at the drop of a hat at a commercial with love and devotion in it. I would adore the scent of flowers and stare at rainbows in the sky in awe and admiration. Now I’m like “STFU!” and “Get out of my face!” I lost that feeling. I’m not affectionate anymore (probably because I can’t have sex) and I’m impatient with the idea of sharing my feelings out loud. I turned into a man, but without the important part… a penis. The other day Hubs asked why we don’t cuddle anymore and I punched him in the chest. What’s wrong with me? The answer is obvious…
I’m too sickly to get drunk and nowadays one glass of Moscato makes me drunk.
I missed most of the summer and its fashion opportunities, so I’m forced to squeeze them in for the next few weeks of warm weather.
I’m not allowed to workout until my six-week appointment clears me for regular activities. However, my regular activities didn’t include working out before.
I lost my appetite for food and its deliciousness and I have excessively too many freaking pillows on my bed now.
Ratchetness is even more entertaining when you’re not pregnant and miserable.
I think being pregnant is a beautiful thing. Nevertheless, I think not being pregnant is awesome! I’m so glad it’s over and even more glad to be back and telling you all this. I don’t entertain ideas of post-partum depression. I think I suffer from post-partum disappointment. It’s the disappointment that although pregnancy was a pain in the ass, it still was a very cushy and comfortable lifestyle. I enjoyed the nurturing of my friends and family, I enjoyed the constant feedings and free stuff, but it’s all over now. I’m disappointed because in order to get it all back, I have to get pregnant again. Therefore, I will never experience that joy again. I mean, who keeps having kids just because they can, right? At least I’m blessed with a beautiful baby boy through it all, who I love and adore (especially when he’s asleep). I just thank everyone that made the road that much easier during this time, you’re the reason I’m like this.
- Top 4 Smartphone Pregnancy Apps You Haven’t Tried Yet (redenvelope.com)
- The 8th Annual Preganant Bikini Pageant (poutperfection.com)
- Tori Spelling – Tori Spelling: Fourth Baby Will Be My Last (contactmusic.com)
- Policeman denies punching pregnant ex-girlfriend in stomach because he was ‘desperate for an abortion’ (independent.co.uk)
- Hypnobabies: A Great Way to Stay Emotionally Balanced During Pregnancy (gypsymomma.com)
- I’m pregnant… and so’s my boyfriend (thesun.co.uk)
- Can exercise help pregnant women sleep? (savingsmaster.com)
- Can pregnant women exercise their way to sleep? (time4sleep.co.uk)