“Fuck This Shit!”
A phrase I so easily could have said, looking down at the monster I created. I’m sitting here wondering why I continue to do this. When your heart isn’t into it anymore, why keep going. If you feel uncomfortable, stifled, limited, or taken advantage of… what is the point?
There comes a point when you have to be honest with yourself and with that, more honest with the world. You can say you’re going to do it, but when do you really start? Do you want to know what honesty gets me? Honesty brought me to today. Today where I have realized while bringing in child number two, I have managed to lose more “friends” than I can count, have not spoken to my parents since Christmas, and I’ve almost spent half the year of 2012 in bed due to health complications. Honesty made me say what I felt, rather what I thought people wanted to hear. Honesty made me stand up for myself, something people assume I do all the time. Honesty was sitting on my shoulder screaming in my ear, “B*tch! You don’t deserve this.” While I contemplated whether or not I was just tripping, or were people truly taking advantage of me.
On the other hand, being honest with myself has helped me see the snakes in the grass (Good Lord, there were so many!). It has helped me to find out who I truly am, got me closer to God, and finding purpose, fulfillment and life in the little things. Doing what is not “me” is so uncomfortable today; you can almost see the hives form on my skin when I lie. I must admit this is scary for me. The drama, the excitement, and the abundance of money, friends, and flashy things made me think I was on cloud nine. However, after a year of letting all of that go, it’s clear that all those things meant nothing after all.
I now require certain things from every relationship I have, things that I am prepared to provide to someone myself. If those requirements are not met, it’s nothing for me to bid farewell, no matter who it is. I no longer sit and ponder, “Will they hate me if I say/do…?” I don’t minimize the blessings in my life anymore, proudly flaunting the goodness that my creator has provided. I no longer fear whether people will hate and attempt to destroy what is mine, because that is no longer my business. Whatever happens, I realize I am protected, because what is for me is already mine.
Most importantly, I have decided to make some changes with my business. What I crave, what I love, and what brings me so much joy (enough to leave everything I worked for since I was 20 years old), almost seemed to make me sick. The idea of feeling pressured to do what was not my style, to be someone else, and to stick to what I despised made me not want to touch the keyboard at all. Fear was a common feeling, not wanting to be boxed into any one category. Nevertheless, I conducted interview after interview, putting emotion into it only half of the time. Did I care? Yes, I did. I hated myself for working on projects I didn’t like, not wanting to stifle my opportunities. I loathed posting conversations that I could care less about having, because of hope that someone would gain something from it. Let’s be honest, some of these people were about as inspiring and motivating as the ads on the GRTC. I hated it! I decided I will no longer push my self, healthy or not, to do anything that I don’t love.
During this time, a true friend came to me and asked what I thought about certain things. Not realizing the point, I went on a tangent about various topics that truly concerned me. Then I was interrupted with that light bulb, the effect my friend wanted me to get. This website is named after the very person who is meant to inspire. No it’s not about hip-hop 24/7, no it’s not about fashion labels and the latest in mediocre “let’s keep up with the joneses”, but it’s real. Why don’t I ever talk about what I know, what I love, and what makes up who I am? Occasionally I find artist, retailers, and business that I would be proud to stand by. It’s so rewarding to discuss their journey and their skills. However, if every other day I water that down with an independent artist, who for the most part doesn’t even appreciate the time it took to talk with them, then what the f*ck am I doing? Nothing.
I’m tired of GaptoothDiva Radio. Period. I’m tired of feeling like a groupie for a bunch of people who are just waiting on someone else more established for an interview, so they use me as practice. I’m tired of listening to the same artist, only with different names who all are fighting to be that one crab that gets out the barrel. I’ve lost my mind with this craziness. It’s not every artist, but most independent and underground artist have put a bad taste in my mouth that I can no longer chase with that same old feeling of “we’ll support anyone with ambition”. I will just continue to be a fan of the ones I like/love, but no more wasting time with online radio. If it’s not related to fashion, art, or creativity other than their freaking songs, I just can’t.
I don’t want a bunch of fake friends in my network, just sucking up ideas and gems. I can’t stand it. If people truly don’t like you, you would think they would unfollow you, lose your info and move on. That is not the case. They follow you and see what your doing, then try to tell people that you know negative nonsense. I see them. When the time comes to address it, I will not hold my tongue. Professionalism is important, but standing my ground is not a character trait I will let go. I will strike when I’m ready, until then I allow them to have fun.
My personal life is no exception. I remember a while ago, people saying this thing about having a hand full of close friends. I’ve gotten to that point and I couldn’t be happier. I’ve included family in that bunch as well. I have a strict policy now: I don’t deal with ratchet ass people under any circumstances! I don’t care how long I’ve known you, if we’re related or what. It’s important to me that every relationship is mutually beneficial, so if I’m lacking – I’m packing, simple as that. I felt like a rude b*tch at first, some described it as having my nose in the air. When you’re fed up, what are you supposed to do? I had a phone full of contacts of people I didn’t care to talk with. I was throwing parties and inviting people to my home that I didn’t trust. I was giving good advice to those who wasted it. Life shouldn’t be that complicated.
I don’t know if it’s the new baby, the year off from everything I thought I was, or the freedom/solitude of realizing that my real family was what I made it, but I’m removing the proverbial gag order. I’m speaking up and speaking out about what truly sits in my heart, what boils my blood, and what I think people deserve to hear. I’ve already faced people talking behind my back, artist writing diss tracks about me and my features and exile from the only relatives I have in this state. What more can I lose? My website should be my sanctuary to open up about what I really want, not a catalog about who’s who in Richmond, Virginia. Although I will talk with some creative people and feature those I love, I don’t want it to be solely based on anything but me. I’m putting myself first, after all that’s why I paid for the domain name. I am fashion, culture, and commentary, so why do I allow other people to motivate my audience. I’ve loved, lost, gained, found, sought after, and completed things that only a few people have come close enough to realize. Should I waste precious space talking about what everyone else is working on, or should I share some of my own testimony? I think I want to share, I believe that’s my right.
I thank God for the realization and the close friend that helped me get there. It’s not enough to be an amazing person, if you only keep that part of you hidden behind closed doors.
Look at this as being me…. Truly uncensored.
Gaptoothdiva talks with Darshan G. Shanti in the hopes of motivating business owners and entrepreneurs all over the country.
Darshan G. Shanti, “The 24 Hour Champion” is a Business Turnaround Specialist: His particular expertise is working with small to mid-sized businesses that are actively dying and bringing them back to life in 24 hours…or less. Whether he’s on the stage speaking to 1000s, tightly huddled together in a small group workshop, or working one on one with a CEO, Darshan will transform your most important, valuable assets and the real bottom line… your people.
“The problems in your life occur because you have deep, unconscious, negative and limiting beliefs about yourself. Dr. Phil calls these beliefs ‘tapes’. He says, “Tapes are long-held, lightening fast, automatic thoughts that program you for a specific outcome, oftentimes without you being aware of it. They are a natural and uncontrollable reflex and work as independently as your organs. Unfortunately, this means that your tapes can control your every move and make you a mere passenger in your own life. These powerful thoughts may actually program you to behave in ways you don’t want to.”
I take that one step further. Those thoughts DO PROGRAM YOU to behave in ways you don’t want to. There are no ifs, ands or buts about it. Worse yet, you are powerless to change them because it is not what you know about your life that runs it. It is what you don’t know. And the fact of the matter is is, YOU CAN’T CHANGE WHAT YOU DON’T KNOW.
So what are you supposed to do if your life is not working the way you want it to and you feel like you’ve settled for so much less than you want in your career, your relationships, your life in general and you know there has got to be more, but you just don’t know how to get it?
The way you have that kind of life is by discovering your core, unconscious, negative beliefs, taking total responsibility for how they got there, releasing them, owning your greatness, make new decisions about your life and take actions consistent with those decisions.
It sounds simple, but yet so few people do it. Why? They let their fears and doubts and pain get in their way. They are comfortable where they are and they are familiar with their life. Even if they don’t like it, at least they can count on it. They think the pain of changing will be far worse than staying where they are, even if where they are is very painful.
So, if you’re thinking, “It’s not possible for me to live a great life!” please read no further. You’ve already stopped all the possibilities from occurring. The fact of the matter is that your life can be whatever you want it to be in the moment you decide it to be. You have all the power.
I can and do assure you. IT IS NOT ONLY POSSIBLE TO HAVE THAT LIFE. IT IS AN ABSOLUTE FACT. If it were not a fact, then all people would be miserable.
So if you’re willing to set aside your fears, set aside your doubts, set aside any skepticism and open yourself up to a new way of thinking, being and living, we can help.”
- From the website - http://the24hourchampion.com/
The 24 Hour Champion has been described by the hosts of local radio, TV and internet shows as a dynamic, passionate, fun, powerful, extremely knowledgeable and informative guest. Whether the hosts are doing stories and interviews on coming back against all odds, (overcoming adversity) eliminating stress, helping students do better in school, being a peak performer (being a 24 hour champion) like his transformational book, The 24 Hour Champion talks about, or turning your life and/or your business around in hours, not years, he is your expert. His expertise in personal development, transformation and behavior change comes from his 20 years of real world experience working with over 30,000 people, from school age to people in their 80’s. As a transformational speaker, Darshan has developed a wealth of stories, knowledge and poignant, memorable ways to share them to educate, entertain and permanently transform his audiences.
Darshan G. Shanti – The 24 Hour Champion
Transform Your Life In Hours – Not Years