I always thought style was an individual thing. When I was a little girl, although my funds would never allow me to express it, I was always into fashion and style. I remember watching the movie Clueless, thinking I have to get a cardigan and some knee-highs like Stacy Dash and Alicia Silverstone. I would marvel at the clothes worn on episodes of Sex in the City, thinking when I grew up and got a job, I would always express my individuality through my clothing, regardless of the price or label. I was enthralled at designs and colors, wanting to be as “fly” and as glamorous as the celebrities walking the red carpet are. While other girls just wanted to look as sexy as the girls in the music videos did, I was more impressed with those who didn’t conform to society’s definition of style. I wanted to stand in a lane of my own, opting to choose different pieces when I could, to reflect my style. I colored my hair in various shades through out my life and even started thrifting before it was cool to admit.
Nowadays, I look online at different style sites and see that trends are being reported daily, some of which may or may not be for me personally. I see people rating others on their style, stating whether they like it or not. Often times, I notice people making very judgmental comments, that often have nothing to do with the entire outfit but mostly about personal choice. Is style something people should agree on or is it based on the individual? When people post their outfit pictures, allowing others to judge them thoroughly on their choices, is this for the individual’s ego or is it to see if the public agrees that their style is acceptable? I’ve never wanted to submit my pictures for something like this, and when I tried to get others to submit their pictures last year, it appeared that many people felt the same. Nobody wants to get bad reviews on their personal style, however it seems like it’s natural to want to know if people like what you’re wearing.
Personal style is supposed to be about what makes you look good and feels comfortable on you. If society has to ok your outfit of the day, are you really dressing for yourself or for applause? It’s harder nowadays to determine if something is of someone’s taste, or if they’re wearing something that is simply of the current trend. Nevertheless, if you have a personal style and you’re just a follower or trends, you may have posted a picture or two online, to display your new purchases. I see people (especially on Instagram) posting newly bought shoes, clothes, jewelry, etc. hoping to get likes for buying the most heavily labeled items out right now. I don’t want to believe that in order for any of my pieces to be considered “hot”, it has to have someone’s name heavily attached and monogrammed on it. My style is about the piece. Is it colorful? Does it fit into my wardrobe? Can I wear it in various ways? Can I up cycle the item when it gets old, damaged, or too big/small? If I wanted to look like other females, I would just stalk them while they shopped and I would pick up everything they bought. Unfortunately, that’s not my agenda. Although it seems to be for every girl that wants to wear something just because someone with a well known name has it on. I prefer to wear something that I know I won’t see at every event that I attend. Regardless of what your style goals are, there are a few things to remember and to keep in mind. Below is a list that may help you in perfecting your personal style, and not that “wanna-be” attitude that makes everyone else seem like copycats.
Wear what fits your body type – I’m very blessed in the breast department, so I know going bra-less is not an option. I also know that crop tops and body cons, are items that I have to prepare for. I won’t wear anything tight without some foundation on (girdle, spanx, etc.) and I have to wear a good bra that can carry the girls, because they’re huge. I see too many females walking around with sagging bellies and breast, wearing tight clothes that look like they’re suffocating the person wearing them. Wear your size and get realistic about what that size is. Even if you’re slightly thicker than the rest of us, no one wants to look like a busted can of biscuits.
Not every trend is for you – Of course, it would’ve been nice to wear those body suits that looked so good on Ciara and Rihanna when they came out. However, if your stomach looked as if you just gave birth to some baby Ciara’s and Rihanna’s a few weeks ago, then you probably should have just sat that one out. People love trends because of their look and style, but if your body type makes the look appear less than stylish, then why try so hard to be in the loop? The look shouldn’t look totally different just because you put it on, we should still know what you’re going for. Nevertheless, some of you will still try to get into a trend that just wasn’t fit for you. I loved the cat suit that Nicki Minaj wore in “Beez in the Trap”, I thought it was very sexy and I couldn’t help but imagine that style on me. However, imagining is where my desire stopped on a piece like that. With my love handles and uber thick frame, I could never wear something like that. Well, can someone tell that to the thousands of wanna-be Nicki’s that decided to get similar outfits for the club and nightlife events. Nicki was in a music video, you’re not… please sit down. Thanks!
A label shouldn’t break you – If your bank account doesn’t reflect that of a LV bag wearer, a Chanel jacket owner, or a Balmaine buyer than what are you doing? Stop trying to keep up with the Joneses and wear clothes in your budget. If your closet is filled with luxury name brands, but you have no furniture, no car, and no food, your priorities are all mixed up. These labels don’t know you personally and will not send you free stuff, just because you’re a Stan. I don’t know of anyone’s life improving just because they went out and bought something that a rapper mentioned in a song. Forget about stepping into the hood and stunting on the poor, and wear clothes that fit into your budget. It kills me how many people will stand in line for the latest Jordans, but still have not registered to vote as of today. If the name/label wasn’t on the clothing or accessory, would you still have a desire to wear it? That’s the determining factor in whether or not this is your style or you’re just copping something you saw or heard about. Don’t be a label-whore!
Don’t turn your nose up – When I first started to talk about thrifting, some people were like “Eeeww”. I didn’t get it then and I still don’t now. People try clothes on at Nordstrom’s and Macy’s, just as they do at the thrift store. Some folks take things home wear them and bring them back, which means eventually those items end up back on the floor. To turn your nose up at the idea of thrifting is the same as saying I don’t buy off the rack. If you can afford to have your clothes custom made, then… do that. However, for those of us who can’t, we should consider all available options to find great items for our wardrobe. I can shop anywhere and make it work for me. I’ve gotten items from Thrift stores, Walmart, and even Family Dollar. I’ve also shopped (the clearance racks) of Nordstrom’s and Macy’s as well. It’s about how you put the pieces together. There is a such thing as “mixing highs and lows together” seamlessly; creating an outfit that is still stylish and chic. Fashion doesn’t have to make people feel poor or destitute because their clothes aren’t featured in this month’s issue of Vogue. I believe having style is the ability to make even the low priced items look amazing with a little creativity and pizzazz.
Create what you can’t find – If you live in an area like mine, you may feel restricted and limited on various styles that you may want. I get it! Nevertheless, you have many more options today than we did a while ago. These days, you can go online and have whatever you want shipped right to your door. You no longer have to travel hundreds of miles to get a certain look you saw in a magazine or pay a large amount to have it custom made. People have the ability to obtain any look with just a click of a few buttons and patience waiting for the mail carrier. What about DIY (do it yourself)? With a little research and some creativity, you can very well create a look yourself with just a few embellishments and a glue gun. I learned how to sew, paint, knit and bedazzle because I wanted to have the ability to make something I sought after. It was the most rewarding feeling to know that I can look at something and make it myself. I don’t worry about where I can find something or how much would it cost to have it shipped to my address. I just go to the craft store and get the things I need and I’m halfway home to a personally custom-made piece that looks good on me and fits my style perfectly. You can learn new techniques and DIY tricks online, with the vast amount of tutorials and articles available.
Reuse, Re-New, Recycle – While we’re on the subject of DIY, I just thought you should know I hate waste. I have clothes in my closet from high school, and yes before you throw yourself out the window with laughter, I do still wear them. I was taught that nothing is new under the sun, so all the trends coming out right now, aren’t anything new (just tweaked a little). I have no intentions of just throwing clothes away because they are no longer trendy or the “hot thing” now. If I don’t want it anymore, I look at my other options. I could add something or take something away, to create a very different piece for my wardrobe. This option ties into creating what you can’t find. Since style keeps revolutionizing, you can change and alter your clothes to update them to fit the current trends. If that is not an option, consider finding a new use for the item. I use old t-shirts for cleaning around the house, I’ve made pillows and stuffed animals out of old sweaters and coats for the kids, and I’ve even turned old accessories into embellishments for other outfits. I won’t waste a thing. If I can’t find use for anything and I really don’t want it, then I donate them to a local thrift store. Someone just like me may be able to find use for it that I couldn’t. There is nothing worst than just throwing clothes away, like food, you never know who could’ve needed it.
Think about your Intentions – Do you want to feel sexy? Are you trying to be comfortable? Are you dressing for yourself and your self-esteem? Are you just dressing to be seen? Think about why you want to wear a certain piece and how it fits into your daily lifestyle. No matter what you do, if your intentions don’t align, with what you’re wearing than you will always look uncomfortable and it won’t work. People have the hardest time admitting their true intentions, and most of the time they spend the whole evening concerned about what they look like. Their outfits always need constant adjustment and no matter how hard they try, they appear self-conscious about their outfit. This also ties into wearing something just because it’s on trend and doesn’t fit their body type as well. Be honest with yourself and the reason why you really want to wear a certain piece of clothing. When you dress with a certain intention and your outfit matches that, you normally feel comfortable all day and not worried about the small details of your look. You can’t say that you just want to be comfortable, when you’re wearing six-inch heels and a body-con dress, you sound crazy. Be realistic and wear what you want, just don’t have a false sense of what you can wear and what you want to wear.
Style for me has been an ever-changing experience, finding my true fashion sense as I matured in life. What I loved in my teens, I’m no longer interested in now that I’m in my twenties. I’m more conscious on how things look on my body and I dress more for myself, rather than the people I’m going to see. I think it’s important to be an individual no matter what and do what makes you feel comfortable. If it doesn’t fit, then you must… quit. Move on to something more fitted for you, your personality, and your frame. Don’t attempt to keep up with every other girl reading the same fashion magazines as you. Be creative and personalize your pieces, while wearing clothes that fit your lifestyle. It’s easy to try to keep up with celebrities, but who wants to take the easy route? Style is subjective; it is slanted towards the individual, and what he or she prefers to wear. So, always make sure that your personality and your intention is reflected in your outfit, not your taste in copying famous people and your bank account.
I highlight my personal style on “F Your Style” because I want to promote dressing for oneself, without spending tons of money, and displaying self-confidence while doing so. I don’t go running to buy the latest trends, and most often, my clothes are thrifted and up-cycled. I’m a plus size mother of two, with fashion sense. However, I don’t spend my time in major retailers buying up every trend, just to run back home and show the world that I can buy stuff. I want to show people that they can get great pieces from anywhere and make it their own. I want to show that style is about your creative ability, not the swipes of your credit card. To see my personal style, check out FYourStyle for more of my personal style and life at http://www.fyourstyle.tumblr.com
Follow me on Twitter/Instagram: @GaptoothDiva
We are coming upon the last days of this pregnancy. I must admit that I’m not at all excited about anything other than getting the baby out of my uterus. It’s been a long drawn out road of ups and downs, sickness and health, and most times, it seemed like death do us part. I never imagined being this sick, especially since my first pregnancy went by without a hitch, however this time around I was in for a fight. I had a fight internal as well as one with my own mind. I had to learn to fight the urge to want to please everyone around me, promising myself to make ME a priority over the success of anything else. I could have easily fell victim to overextending myself for false friends and networking colleagues, but the truth is my unborn child, my family, and my health came first. I couldn’t sacrifice my well-being for the sake of being liked, even if that meant redeveloping my brand after everything was said and done.
I especially think it was hard, because I never tried to operate my own business with the task of being pregnant. Therefore, with all the events and invitations I received, I never really had to discern which events were more appropriate for me to attend so thoroughly. In the past going to a party in some nightclub, affectionately themed after some grown and sexy cliché’, wouldn’t have sounded like a bad idea. However, after being pregnant I realized that some things are best left to the childless and unmarried crowd. I couldn’t imagine getting down at the “shortest shorts” event or hanging out at the “mid-week ménage” with no other purpose than to raise funds for some local charity. It’s just not about my image anymore, a fact pregnancy drilled into my mind quickly. I want to set an example and show people there is more to life than getting wasted and partying. I know some people mentioned “I’m foul” cause I don’t cover their events anymore or attend and “support” them. As ridiculous as that is, I initially thought they could possibly be right. After much prayer and deliberation, I had to accept that those who mattered didn’t mind, and you know the rest. I have to think about the people I’m trying to reach, my audience. My audience extends well-beyond the party “yolo” type, more into the ambitious family-oriented person looking to improve themselves and their environment.
Its crazy the type of things you think about when you’re forced to sit the game out, watching other people play non-stop. I must admit, I was scared for a while worried that an unexpected addition like our new baby may stop me from doing what I truly love all together. With some guidance and reassurance from those I love and respect, and of course some faith, I realized what’s for me is always going to be mine. I still had the passion, the drive, and the creativity to make my goals happen, so what was there to fear? Although a new baby meant some new challenges and more work, it doesn’t necessarily mean I couldn’t accomplish those same ambitions. I know plenty of women who have children (more than one) and can’t seem to cross over into legitimate entrepreneurship and success because of the challenges of motherhood. However, they do not define the role of Motherhood and Business Woman in my book, and I will do best to not look at them as examples of what to expect. I’m still scared, being that I never planned my sweet little bundle of joy and I have no idea how to incorporate him into the flow of things, but I pray and God got it for sure.
I don’t expect to be a perfect mother, I never even seen one of those. Nevertheless, I do want to be the best mom I can be. If that means that I have to put some selfish ambitions on the back burner (because I do love to have a good time and party all night), then it is no question… that’s what I’ll do. It should never be something of a sacrifice, when it comes to your babies. I want to set the greatest example for my sons, of what a REAL woman is capable of providing for her family, without neglecting their needs and image. It’s important to me that they know what kind of woman to eventually grow up and look for when they get older, despite what society and the corrupt media tries to portray.
I know now more now that some people read this website, not with the intention to be inspired or motivated, but to try to catch me slipping. They think they know me personally and they look to see what new things I’m into, what strides I’ve made if any, and what’s going on in my life. I assure you, it doesn’t bother me. I know that what I have is mine and mine alone and that no mere mortal can take that away. If watching me and quietly commenting amongst each other, is how they get through the day…. Continue to do so. It doesn’t do anything for me, if you didn’t know. I will say that I’m happy, whether I update this site every single day or once a month, I’m making moves. The satisfaction I get out of life is not measured by my peers, past or present. I’m in love, I’m healthy, and I’m blessed. My life is not measured by my status on Facebook or a tweet on Twitter, so stop checking my timeline for updates, because if you were worthyof some juicy gossip… you wouldn’t be twatching- you would know.
This baby is coming to a loving family, not too concerned with the world and its fickle ways. He is coming to two parents in love with each other and with life. That is all that matters to me. I’m planning to have a c-section, because I care about my vagina… just kidding (no not really). I plan to drop another video on Youtube soon, providing new updates and craziness with the Hubs, so be sure to check that out on my channel GaptoothDivaTV. So as I plan to have this c-section, whenever I go into labor (within the next 3 weeks), I know for sure I will really be out of it. Bear with me… I’m sure not giving up.
Check out more new photos of my family and me on Facebook, under my personal page www.facebook.com/GaptoothDiva
We decided to share how things are going with the baby and the changes we have experienced since being pregnant. There is nothing easy about bringing life into this world, especially when you were busy doing other things and didn’t plan it at all. LOL
However, we are so blessed and can’t wait to “evict” our darling bundle of joy from my womb. However until then, what better way to ease the frustration then to vent to all our supporters and friends.
Thank you so much in advance for choosing to be a babysitter…
We Love You!
I know usually I’m supposed to talk about the events and inspire you with fashion, but please allow me one moment to shout out someone very special, my father Alphonso Tarver. He is a mix between a hard ass drill sergeant and a frat boy gone wild and I love him more than ever. I wanted to list some of the fantastic things I love and enjoy about my father, while I wish him Happy Birthday this Saturday August 20, 2011.
I hope that after reading all the reasons why my Dad is quirky, amazing, and downright wonderful, you’ll feel the same…
1. He’s not a follower – When asked to join the rest of the world on Twitter and Facebook, he shouted “I’m just learning how to text, dammit!” Then he placed his head in the middle of a phone book (yes, he still has a phonebook) and said, “See, this is what you all look like to me”. Get it… Facebook? Me neither.
2. Strong Facial Muscles – My father has the exact same facial expression Monday through Friday. A look that says “F*ck with me if you want to…” However, if you give him a shot of Seagram’s Gin and a beer, his smile will light up a room. I didn’t understand this until I was an adult and of legal drinking age. He told me when I weas younger, only special people should see you that vulnerable. He is just so deep, when he wants to be.
3. Size Doesn’t Matter – Ok, so he is NOT the TALLEST man in the world. Standing at about 5 feet 8 inches tall (I think I just gave him an inch for love), he happens to be the most courageous and aggressive man I know. He used to terrify me until I discovered stiletto shoes, but before than I thought he was a professional wrestler like the 123 Kid. He always taught me that it doesn’t matter how small or big someone is, it’s his or her heart and brain that needs to be large. I so adore him for that.
4. He’s not about looks – He might kill me for this but I’m really inspired by it so here it goes. He has the ugliest feet I’ve ever seen on a man in my life. He doesn’t care, though. He’ll wear flip-flops to the store, put his feet up on the couch, and refuse to wear socks when company comes over. I asked him several times to see a doctor, a miracle worker, a plastic surgeon, and he refused. He told me “My feet look like a working man’s feet. If a man’s feet is too pretty, then he ain’t doing sh*t!” I would hold on to that one, nine times out of ten… it’s so on point.
5. Speak his own Language – My dad is from Bronx, New York. That borough filled with the essence of hip-hop, culture, urban street wear, and the highest majority of Hispanics in all of the state. He has adopted several terms of slang that he uses frequently throughout conversation. He’s a Triminican man (Trying to be Dominican) who when provoked, will curse you within an inch of your life in a language that doesn’t make sense. Listen to him while he’s drunk, excited, angry, or sleep, I promise these are not words.
6. He’s getting “Younger” – He is proof that if you work hard all your life, drinks like a fish on the weekend, and curse in very other word of your sentences, then you can cheat old age. Maybe, not exactly like that but somehow he managed to look younger since 1990. He’s more lean, skin clear; the only evidence of his age is his hair if he lets it grow out. Nevertheless, just like my favorite veteran action star, Bruce Willis, my dad has opted for the baldhead, making it virtually impossible for us to go out anywhere without women (young & old) checking him out. Calm down women, he’s happily married. He is just living, content with what he does, and doesn’t worry about wrinkles. Smart! That’s how you avoid them in the first place.
7. He should be in a magazine – It wasn’t until recently I’ve noticed just how awesome my dad is. My uncle Stanly (Dad’s biggest Fan) pointed it out to me one day while partying one weekend and I never forgot it since. My dad kept a roof over our heads; he kept clothes on our back, and food in our stomach without so much of a thank you. He accomplished what most men can’t handle and did it with three girls and 6 boys (cousins). He rarely said “I love You” when we were kids, which he makes up for now. He wasn’t a cheerleader type parent, always in the audience for our plays, games, etc. However, with every I lacked as a child, I can truly say as an adult he has more than rectified. He is the one that calls me when he hears that I’m sick, makes me laugh when I have an attitude, and will still come out and kick ass if anyone tries to disrespect me. He’s a f**king rockstar in my eyes, he should be famous…
When I was younger, I thought I was missing the love of a father, like on The Cosby Show. Not every Dad is like that. My Father has his faults, but I can’t help but feel like lately… he’s perfect. He inspires me to care what people think, not worry about failing, and that I should always keep my deck close. People come and go – everyone from family to friends. It’s just something about Alphonso, that tells me, “F*ck it, everything is going to be fine.
Happy Birthday, Daddy.
Follow me on Twitter @GaptoothDiva
I started this movement with plans of inspiring and moving people to take advantage of the resources they have around them and walk closer to the life of their dreams. Whether they wanted to be music artist, fashion designers, famous chefs and bakers, or writers, my goal was to show you real people around you are doing some amazing things. I meet people all the time that knows someone or are that someone that could possibly bring you one-step closer to accomplishing anything you put your mind to. With this blessing came some very hard burdens, I wasn’t ready to overcome.
One of the first burdens was the time and energy required to take on this job. I worked a full time job at a huge agency dedicated to helping people overcome long-term or temporary obstacles in their lives, or at least that’s how they advertised it. The job reminded me of high school, except this time around I had better clothes. Most of the people that worked there were miserable and grouchy because of their lack of motivation in their own personal goals and aspirations, and what they did every single day was make it harder for the people around them who refused to suffer from that same plight. My journey ended with them, when I realized that one of the most pathetic people I’ve ever had the displeasure of meeting never had any other job but the one she held. One day she showed me pictures of happy and excited people from the 80’s (my co-workers) and none of those people looked the same anymore. It wasn’t due to age, it was due to stress from that job. I decided I’d rather be broke and happy, living a life that means something to me, than to hurt others and myself working in what I now call the “belly button of hell”. I wanted work on what I feel God set me up to do, but do it full time and with every ounce of courage I own.
One of the things I didn’t realize is that with the position of inspiring and motivating others, you place yourself on a stage to be judged by all who discover you. Who is she to motivate me? Why should I listen to her? I wanted to answer those questions so bad, but the circle of people I had around me warned me of revealing too much of myself. Some said that I’m so unique that mainstream wouldn’t get it. I might ostracize myself before I caught any momentum. I suffered with wanting my business to be successful and prosperous, but wanting to be me. I’ve never been the type to pretend, so instead of fronting as if I’m something I’m not – I would just be anti-social. Well, that doesn’t exactly work in this business. The business suffers when I don’t feel like interacting with people, duh. Therefore, I have to put that bullshit away. I’m not America’s sweetheart, I curse, I drink, and I smoke occasionally. I have a relationship with my Creator that most people will never understand and that is the only entity that can claim ownership of me or mine. I’m not interested in people who run game; I like it straight with no chaser. I love direct people who don’t beat around the bush, and I got a fetish for bald chicks. There is so much about me that people just won’t get, but that will never be my problem. I just need to keep working.
Another burden turned blessing that I had to realize… I’m worth more. There was a time that I would just get in where I could fit in. That’s the business; you have to pay dues. However, what they don’t talk about is the moment when people start requesting you and asking you for stuff, it’s time to start charging. I rather start small than to beat someone in the head with a ridiculous price not worth the service I provided. I know how much goes into what I do and how much I love it, so I charge a reasonable rate for a lot of the stuff I do. It hurts my feelings when people ask for stuff without mentioning pay. That is why many of the things I do, I do myself. I know that it means more when I accomplish myself without assistance, but I also know how greedy people are. It’s just a matter of knowing your worth and implementing strategies to ensure you get what you deserve. I don’t need to elaborate too much on that. I’m not a slave but I’m also not FREE ($$).
I never thought of myself as a “sex-symbol” or a “vixen” per se. I know that I have assets that both genders could appreciate, but I never flaunted it online for the sake of arousing people. That’s just not my style. I rather attract people with my personality and charm, but then again I’m complicated. Anyway, people were telling me don’t alter my look too drastically. They thought I should stick to the black hair long with different variations of styles but that was it. I was frustrated because I get bored easily; I need to change it up for my sanity. I don’t like looking at the same person every single day… in the mirror, lol. However, again for the business I sacrificed something else.
It started to get to the point that GaptoothDiva was becoming something I was not. I walked around with a name of someone I didn’t recognize. I’m girly and fab, but not that damn girly and fab! I’m pretty and bubbly, but not all the time. If I have to go into hiding every time, I don’t possess some of the qualities that people thought were me, than I’m already out of business. When it stopped making me happy, I knew I needed to change. Of course I love my supporters and my friends, but if they can’t accept me like this than no one deserves me any other way. I have shaved my head and have never felt better. I feel more sexy and attractive now than with hundred dollar weaves on my head. Now I know that if you looking at me, you really like what you see physically. You won’t receive a dolled up version of me. Don’t get me wrong, I still like weave, it’s just that I’m on a different level right now and that’s not what I’m on. I love me for me and I’m requesting anybody with an ounce of courage in them, to join me.
Overall, what I realized is that I was happy with what I saw at home, in the privacy of these four walls around those I love and trust. However, what if the people I’m asking to spend money on me, to support me, and to be apart of my network didn’t get that same person, than who am I doing all this for? I got tired of not being able to take pictures when my hair wasn’t done, or staying off line when I felt like ranting about some real shit. I’m not always right and I damn sure “ain’t” perfect, but each day we live our best lives we get closer to it, and I’m willing to walk with you at my best & worst if you let me. I am no longer afraid to say what’s on my mind, nor am I afraid to lose people who don’t agree. I rather inspire you with the truth than to annoy and irritate you with the same bullshit you’ve been spoon-fed for years. I love when people react and not just watch, I love it even more when they move and not just talk. So from here on out in my t-shirt and draws, with a baldhead and all… I’m stating, “I’m the Baddest Creative Motivation!”
For more inspiration and motivation follow me on Twitter at www.Twitter.com/GaptoothDiva
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When you are friends with a lot of guys, you are privileged to some exclusive information about courting, dating, and gaining relationships with the opposite sex. That is only if you are willing to accept the brutal and honest truth about your entire gender and vow to never reveal secrets to your fellow sisters. I’ve been lucky enough to not have to deal with the courting, dating, dumping, and courting again rituals that many of my peers are still enduring, however I still try to keep myself abreast in the issues of relationships and love.
One of the most recent sources of my relationship insight happens to be my dear friend, who will tell you what you need to hear, whether you’re right or you’re wrong. I could definitely give much respect to Mentor/Author Vincent Ellis White (Fully Seasoned Man’s Relationship Recipe – on sale now) who developed his own venue to relay the message to women that far too many men would rather keep hidden…You’re playing yourself.
His book is getting a wide array of reviews from men, who feel betrayed in a way and would much rather keep this from their partners and women, who thank him for his honesty and believe this book has been beneficial to those who are tired of just dating and dumping, and are ready to settle down with someone who matches their needs.
Of course you know the Diva had him on the show and we went in on the conversation for the whole hour and thirty minutes, just like everywhere he goes with the book, conversation and debates spark up. I was able to voice my opinion on a few subjects some were in favor of the man psyche, but I don’t want my female friends to think I completely turned my back on them. I just know that we are capable of so much more, and deserve so much more, but we constantly drop the ball in almost every situation. Have you ever heard of the “power of the P.U.S.S.Y” or “it’s a man’s world, but would be nothing without a woman“, I mean we don’t all snatch that power or control when we need to, and it comes across as pathetic and desperate.
I’ve decided to compile a small list of some of the things I witness females doing that may be contributing to their constant heartache and drama filled relationship experiences. I’m in no way saying I’m perfect in my current relationship or that I’ve never been played, because we all get comfortable at one time or another and let our guards down, but I’m saying that in every situation there is a lesson. How many times do you have to trip over something before you decide to walk a different way? I just want to put a small list of some helpful tips for those who are still single.
Here is the list of witnessed “Relationship Insanity”:
First of all, why would you come out the house every single day dressed as if you going to the Spin Cycle Laundromat? I can understand the need to be comfortable, but EVERYDAY? Men are visual beings, the need to see something appealing is extremely important, so if you want to attract one you at least need to look like you care about yourself. I know how much expensive maintenance is required to try to keep up with the chicks on television. Don’t do that! It’s about reaching your level of Divaness. Be yourself accepting your God given image, and show confidence. The idea is when a guy sees you, even if it is just a t-shirt and jeans, you look confident, self-assured, and you look like someone who takes pride in her appearance. Nothing could ruin the initial conversation like a chick that is sloppy, dirty, or jacked-up.
Sexy isn’t always naked. I’ve been a victim of this in the past myself. I’m a curvy girl, thick in all places accept my ankles and wrist, but I would try to squeeze in the tightest shorts, jeans, dresses, thinking that it would make me look thinner. Wrong! I would even try to wear things that my body just wasn’t built to wear, i.e. tube tops, halter tops, even those butterfly tops with nothing but strings in the back. Eeeew! I was crazy. I had to learn that every trend is not for every woman and sometimes your attempt may be to look sexy and beautiful, but you come across as desperate and easy. An old friend of mine was famous for wearing next to nothing when we went out to parties. All the guys would check her out and drool over her body, making comments to each other about their desires to take her home. She was and is a very beautiful chick, so I could see why they would react to her outfits and fantasize. However, when I asked a group of them if she was the type of chick they could see themselves in a relationship with, they all answered a big “No” in unison. Some said they couldn’t take her home to their families, she looks too loose to be on their arm as “wifey”, she looks like she doesn’t have any respect for herself, and some called her some choice words that shouldn’t ever be repeated. I was shocked because before we left for the party, she specifically stated that she wanted to display confidence and sex appeal and that she wanted to meet someone who could sense those qualities from across the room, but her mission was thwarted due to the real reaction she received. These men will fantasize about sleeping with you and doing all the freaky things their minds will concoct when they see you dressed like a porno star or a music video chick, but that only gets him that night. You won’t have a prospect of a relationship when dawn breaks. If you’re only looking for a one night situation or a friend with benefits, then keep it up girl, you’re on your way! But if a real relationship is what you want… leave something to the imagination. No man wants to ever feel like he’s turning a hoe into a housewife.
VERY IMPORTANT – Don’t ever think just because you have: a big ass, big breast, long real hair, light skin, dark skin, skinny body, athletic body, pretty features, money, a nice car, rich family, name brand clothes, a nice wardrobe, flat stomach, thick thighs, etc. that you don’t have to work hard in any relationship and men should just flock to you. It’s this strange sense of entitlement some women possess that is almost scary, like “I know he is going to want me more than her, because my ass fatter/hair longer/I am thinner, lighter, or prettier”. I mean…WHAT??!! Some females rely too much on their physical features or materialist possession believing that these things will land them the love of their lives. It may attract him to the idea of being with you or even beginning a relationship, but it won’t keep him in love for the long haul. I think about the saying, “Show me the most beautiful woman, and I’ll show a dude who is tired of sleeping with her.” Bring some personality, some intelligence, even a great sense of humor. All these qualities will keep him thinking about you, wanting you, and loving you. It will eventually get so deep, that the ass, breast, even the money could disappear and it won’t matter. Make him love you for you not your parts.
Respect Other Sisters – I know guys who have said that they were turned off by a chick because she was beefing with too many chicks, always in arguments, and gossiping 24/7. I didn’t even think guys paid attention to those things, but later discovered that behavior like that is a clear indication of the type of woman you’ll be in the relationship. First, no man wants a woman who is always going off about this and that. Period. That scares them into thinking that you’ll nag and scream everyday that the two of you are together, so they run from that. However, if you think about the fact that he’ll eventually want to introduce you to his mother, sisters, or aunts and of course he wants you all to get along, it would make sense to have someone who is more level headed and mature. I’ve been there as well, and could see how a man would be concerned. A person who doesn’t get along with other women will be quick to say everyone is hating on them or jealous of their personality, but if you don’t get along with anyone…especially your own gender, it speaks volumes to a man that you are confrontational and not a team player. Now don’t be fake! It’s ok to prefer the company of your male counterparts, but don’t bad-mouth every chick that comes into your presence in order to appear superior to her, instead pay her an unexpected and TRUE compliment. Speak and greet other females, and most importantly network. A friend of mine was surprised that a pretty girl he was interested in was confident enough to introduce him to an even prettier girl on a date. Most females would act like it was a competition and would avoid an opportunity to be measured against another woman. However, to him, it showed that she was confident and secure in herself that it didn’t matter, which made him like her even more. The point is how do we as women expect respect and love from men, when we REFUSE to respect and love each other.
Stop trying to change his mind!! When a man says that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship right now, or that he wants to keep his options open, or that he’s “Just Chillin’”, he means that. Even if he sleeps with you, even if he calls you everyday, even if he’s nice to your kids or your mother or your friends. He may buy you things; he may take you to nice and wonderful places. He may even say he has love for you or he loves you. But trust me; no amount of booty/coochie/or oral sex is going to change his mind! You will develop a story in your head that he is secretly in love with you, that he just doesn’t know how to communicate his feelings, maybe he’s just waiting to see how you feel…but you are horribly wrong. If a man wants you, he’ll say it. Period. He’ll claim you because he’s territorial; it’s in his genes to take what he wants. However, chicks constantly believe that they can pretend to go along with his demand of just wanting to be friends, break him off with some love than demand to have some type of title that never existed. What?!! Did you hear him when he said he didn’t want a girlfriend right now? It amazing. Now you mad because he hit and still didn’t want you. Women, we talk too much and listen not enough. Make it clear from the beginning what you want and understand what it is that he wants BEFORE you sleep with him. If it’s going to be a friends with benefits situation, than be careful and communicate when your emotions shift into something more. Be honest about it as well, if he feelings haven’t progressed – don’t get mad. You have to make a decision about whether you can accept that or not, but be mature and rational about it. How you handle that situation could very well determine if he sees you in a different way or not. I know a guy who fell in love with a chick because she was able to take that rejection and keep it moving, positively. He initially said he wasn’t ready for relationship, but when she maintained her friendship with him (drama free); he eventually developed feelings for her as she did for him. They are getting married next month. Goes to show patience is a virtue!
Pretending you are a “Good Girl” when you know you are a “Freak” – They (I mean men) have all heard it before. The declaration comes from all types of chicks, “I don’t usually….”, “I’m not this or that type of chick”, “I’m not into….” If it was true, you wouldn’t have to say it; your action would reflect it. It’s understandable to want to explain what kind of woman you are and what you are usually accustomed to. However, if you are taking a guy home on the first night to have sex, explaining to him that you usually don’t do this, is not going to change the fact that he is going to hit that and have some doubts about you afterwards. He may not totally disregard the possibility of a relationship, but there will be concerns. I know chicks some of them friends, who pretend to be this independent woman who does need a man, who will never get down on the first night, blah, blah, blah, then when a certain dude comes around they are surprisingly doing “new” things. You know you’ve done this before, just embrace that side of you, girl. Every girl wants to be treated a little more special than the chick before her and the potential chick afterwards, but to always claim that you are one type of person when you obviously are doing something different is…well…obvious! Just be yourself and let him fall in love with a genuine person. If he doesn’t like you for you, than it just wasn’t meant to be.
Putting too much on the table – Some chicks want to show that they are independent and not relying on a man, and that they can take care of themselves and will not tolerate games of any kind. That’s cool, but when you start talking about your past relationships and how they ended, it’s not ok to talk about how you keyed a dude’s car, bleached all his clothes, threw a lit cigarette into his gas tank, or whatever other move women do when they’re scorned. It scares them off! They don’t want to mess with a chick that will potentially cut a dude’s penis off if/when they get upset, or come up to the job and make a scene if/when she gets cheated on. This is not to say that they will potential upset you or cheat on you, but they will avoid any form of crazy if it presents itself too early. They are more scared of us physically hurting them, than we are of them emotionally hurting us. Also don’t tell him about every single dude who cheated on you, every single family member that hurt you, or every single friend that is not your friend too early into the relationship. One, who wants to hear all that negative mess early on, I want to meet you for you, tell me about you. Why do I need to hear about every single person who has done you wrong? Two, why do you have such bad luck with people? It’s one thing to have a few experiences that taught you something, but when every relationship you describe is about negativity, it will make him wonder if it’s you and not them. You are basically saying, “These are the reason you don’t want to be with me…”
VERY IMPORTANT – If you just met him, your kids shouldn’t. Women, please do not bring every single dude home to introduce him to your family, if you have not already established that you are in a relationship. The children do not need to meet your friends with benefits that you just met last weekend at the club, nor do they need to see him laying your house after your late night “study sessions”. That’s nasty and this is not the plasma bank. Kids should not consider their living room a waiting room for guys who want to make a deposit. Get to know each other first, spend some time understanding where the friendship/relationship is going to go. If you really want them to meet the potential Mr. Right, let it be during some family activity like the zoo, a picnic, or a family night out to eat. It just concerns me how chicks bring random dudes to the crib with their children home. They may not get it today, but someone is going to school them tomorrow, I promise. If you want to have sex with him, go to a hotel or to his house, just don’t disrespect the children. It’s not cool.
Know something/have ambition – One of my guy friends met a girl who was sexy as hell, body was banging, and she was a little funny. He was smitten from the start of their friendship. She was amazing to him and you couldn’t tell him that she wasn’t going to be his girl. However, when he asked her about her goals and ambitions, she had not one. She told me she didn’t like school, didn’t plan on going back, didn’t like her job, wanted to make more money but didn’t know how. He asked her what she liked to do in her spare time and she replied “watch reality television”. Period. That’s all? He claimed he drilled her for two hours over the phone trying to find out more and she didn’t have anything. He asked what she had going on in her life; her answer was “Nothing, just work.” Who lives like that? You have got to have some ambitions, some passion for life, some goals, and some drive, a career or prospect of one in the future, and something to live for. The purpose of a relationship is to bring two forces together in order to create something more beautiful and powerful, whether it’s a baby, a family, or just love. How can you bring in nothing and expect him to bring in bacon, shelter, clothes, money, ambition, a career, etc. A woman is supposed to hold it down for her man and vice versa, but if you can’t even meet him half way, what’s the point in the journey. That’s when chicks think their looks will come in. No honey, you might reel him in with that ass, but when the relationship gets boring & the checks bounce, so will he!
Learn to Maintain what You started – if you was fly as hell in the beginning when he met you, had your nails done, hair done, did all the freaky things he requested, had dinner on the table, had the house clean, and still managed to put the game on the DVR, then keep it up! Normally and there are exceptions, some men cheat on their girlfriends/wives because another chick is offering something a little different and/or better. Please believe, there are chicks out there who will find out what your man is not getting and supply it for him, some your own friends. If you were this amazing woman that somehow was able to get him to put a ring on it, don’t slouch because you got him. This is a personal suggestion, keep yourself up, keep feeding him, keep him satisfied sexually, talk to him and find out what he likes, loves, and disapproves of. The ring made it official, but nowadays that’s not etched in stone. It’s still a relationship that needs to be nurtured. If he’s still paying the bills, coming home and helping with chores, and satisfying you, then don’t cheat him out of what he’s due. If he’s not than you two need to talk about what you are doing in the relationship. He fell in love with one chick; don’t fall back because you “got” him now. Guys like affectionate and compassionate gestures, too. I leave notes, I send flowers, and I even…role-play (that’s just me. LmaoJ), I do a little bit of everything to show my love and I expect it in return. At the end of the day, if he cheats – I know that I did everything I could do to keep him happy and he was just a trifling ass-hole who was being greedy. You will spend less time getting over him and more time moving on (or getting under somebody else, if that’s you.).
BONUS – Don’t ever fight over a dude. No matter what. If he moved on, than deal with it. If he’s sleeping with the both of you, then leave him alone. If he says he’s not but she says he is, leave his ass alone. There is never any reason to ever hold on to a sleazy man, at all. Why fight? While you over there beating the brakes off the chick, he’s on the other side hollering at girl #3. It’s not worth it. It is especially nasty, for chicks to be rude to the new chick. You broke up with him/ or he broke with you, either way…it’s over. Move one, stop being bitter. It takes more energy to be negative than to be positive. It might hurt to see him bring that new girl around (especially if you got sense enough to know she look better than you), but deal with it like a lady. Introduce yourself, be friendly, no one is saying be her best-buddy, but be cordial. You may gain a good acquaintance, but there is no need to have any new enemies if you don’t have to. Women should stick together like quick weaves and stocking caps.
I hope my suggestions and tips don’t offend. My perspective on things may seem a little “off the chain”, but this is me. I just want my females stop making a fool out of themselves and understand that we have the control. A guy can’t play you, if you don’t put yourself in a position to be played. He won’t treat you like a hoe, if you don’t present yourself like one. It’s about you respecting yourself and communicating what you want, need, and deserve. Sometimes, a woman’s need to feel desirable overrides her common sense and her ability to distinguish between right and wrong. I just want us to do better, by any means necessary.