Wine tasting descriptors

One of the most recent sources of my relationship insight happens to be my dear friend, who will tell you what you need to hear, whether you’re right or you’re wrong. I could definitely give much respect to Mentor/Author Vincent Ellis White (Fully Seasoned Man’s Relationship Recipe – on sale now) who developed his own venue to relay the message to women that far too many men would rather keep hidden…You’re playing yourself.

His book is getting a wide array of reviews from men, who feel betrayed in a way and would much rather keep this from their partners and women, who thank him for his honesty and believe this book has been beneficial to those who are tired of just dating and dumping, and are ready to settle down with someone who matches their needs.

Of course you know the Diva had him on the show and we went in on the conversation for the whole hour and thirty minutes, just like everywhere he goes with the book, conversation and debates spark up. I was able to voice my opinion on a few subjects some were in favor of the man psyche, but I don’t want my female friends to think I completely turned my back on them. I just know that we are capable of so much more, and deserve so much more, but we constantly drop the ball in almost every situation. Have you ever heard of the “power of the P.U.S.S.Y” or “it’s a man’s world, but would be nothing without a woman“, I mean we don’t all snatch that power or control when we need to, and it comes across as pathetic and desperate.

I’ve decided to compile a small list of some of the things I witness females doing that may be contributing to their constant heartache and drama filled relationship experiences. I’m in no way saying I’m perfect in my current relationship or that I’ve never been played, because we all get comfortable at one time or another and let our guards down, but I’m saying that in every situation there is a lesson. How many times do you have to trip over something before you decide to walk a different way? I just want to put a small list of some helpful tips for those who are still single.

Here is the list of witnessed “Relationship Insanity”:

First of all, why would you come out the house every single day dressed as if you going to the Spin Cycle Laundromat? I can understand the need to be comfortable, but EVERYDAY? Men are visual beings, the need to see something appealing is extremely important, so if you want to attract one you at least need to look like you care about yourself. I know how much expensive maintenance is required to try to keep up with the chicks on television. Don’t do that! It’s about reaching your level of Divaness. Be yourself accepting your God given image, and show confidence. The idea is when a guy sees you, even if it is just a t-shirt and jeans, you look confident, self-assured, and you look like someone who takes pride in her appearance. Nothing could ruin the initial conversation like a chick that is sloppy, dirty, or jacked-up.

Sexy isn’t always naked. I’ve been a victim of this in the past myself. I’m a curvy girl, thick in all places accept my ankles and wrist, but I would try to squeeze in the tightest shorts, jeans, dresses, thinking that it would make me look thinner. Wrong! I would even try to wear things that my body just wasn’t built to wear, i.e. tube tops, halter tops, even those butterfly tops with nothing but strings in the back. Eeeew! I was crazy. I had to learn that every trend is not for every woman and sometimes your attempt may be to look sexy and beautiful, but you come across as desperate and easy. An old friend of mine was famous for wearing next to nothing when we went out to parties. All the guys would check her out and drool over her body, making comments to each other about their desires to take her home. She was and is a very beautiful chick, so I could see why they would react to her outfits and fantasize. However, when I asked a group of them if she was the type of chick they could see themselves in a relationship with, they all answered a big “No” in unison. Some said they couldn’t take her home to their families, she looks too loose to be on their arm as “wifey”, she looks like she doesn’t have any respect for herself, and some called her some choice words that shouldn’t ever be repeated. I was shocked because before we left for the party, she specifically stated that she wanted to display confidence and sex appeal and that she wanted to meet someone who could sense those qualities from across the room, but her mission was thwarted due to the real reaction she received. These men will fantasize about sleeping with you and doing all the freaky things their minds will concoct when they see you dressed like a porno star or a music video chick, but that only gets him that night. You won’t have a prospect of a relationship when dawn breaks. If you’re only looking for a one night situation or a friend with benefits, then keep it up girl, you’re on your way! But if a real relationship is what you want… leave something to the imagination. No man wants to ever feel like he’s turning a hoe into a housewife.

VERY IMPORTANT – Don’t ever think just because you have: a big ass, big breast, long real hair, light skin, dark skin, skinny body, athletic body, pretty features, money, a nice car, rich family, name brand clothes, a nice wardrobe, flat stomach, thick thighs, etc. that you don’t have to work hard in any relationship and men should just flock to you. It’s this strange sense of entitlement some women possess that is almost scary, like “I know he is going to want me more than her, because my ass fatter/hair longer/I am thinner, lighter, or prettier”. I mean…WHAT??!! Some females rely too much on their physical features or materialist possession believing that these things will land them the love of their lives. It may attract him to the idea of being with you or even beginning a relationship, but it won’t keep him in love for the long haul. I think about the saying, “Show me the most beautiful woman, and I’ll show a dude who is tired of sleeping with her.” Bring some personality, some intelligence, even a great sense of humor. All these qualities will keep him thinking about you, wanting you, and loving you. It will eventually get so deep, that the ass, breast, even the money could disappear and it won’t matter. Make him love you for you not your parts.

Respect Other Sisters – I know guys who have said that they were turned off by a chick because she was beefing with too many chicks, always in arguments, and gossiping 24/7. I didn’t even think guys paid attention to those things, but later discovered that behavior like that is a clear indication of the type of woman you’ll be in the relationship. First, no man wants a woman who is always going off about this and that. Period. That scares them into thinking that you’ll nag and scream everyday that the two of you are together, so they run from that. However, if you think about the fact that he’ll eventually want to introduce you to his mother, sisters, or aunts and of course he wants you all to get along, it would make sense to have someone who is more level headed and mature. I’ve been there as well, and could see how a man would be concerned. A person who doesn’t get along with other women will be quick to say everyone is hating on them or jealous of their personality, but if you don’t get along with anyone…especially your own gender, it speaks volumes to a man that you are confrontational and not a team player. Now don’t be fake! It’s ok to prefer the company of your male counterparts, but don’t bad-mouth every chick that comes into your presence in order to appear superior to her, instead pay her an unexpected and TRUE compliment. Speak and greet other females, and most importantly network. A friend of mine was surprised that a pretty girl he was interested in was confident enough to introduce him to an even prettier girl on a date. Most females would act like it was a competition and would avoid an opportunity to be measured against another woman. However, to him, it showed that she was confident and secure in herself that it didn’t matter, which made him like her even more. The point is how do we as women expect respect and love from men, when we REFUSE to respect and love each other.

Stop trying to change his mind!! When a man says that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship right now, or that he wants to keep his options open, or that he’s “Just Chillin’”, he means that. Even if he sleeps with you, even if he calls you everyday, even if he’s nice to your kids or your mother or your friends. He may buy you things; he may take you to nice and wonderful places. He may even say he has love for you or he loves you. But trust me; no amount of booty/coochie/or oral sex is going to change his mind! You will develop a story in your head that he is secretly in love with you, that he just doesn’t know how to communicate his feelings, maybe he’s just waiting to see how you feel…but you are horribly wrong. If a man wants you, he’ll say it. Period. He’ll claim you because he’s territorial; it’s in his genes to take what he wants. However, chicks constantly believe that they can pretend to go along with his demand of just wanting to be friends, break him off with some love than demand to have some type of title that never existed. What?!! Did you hear him when he said he didn’t want a girlfriend right now? It amazing. Now you mad because he hit and still didn’t want you. Women, we talk too much and listen not enough. Make it clear from the beginning what you want and understand what it is that he wants BEFORE you sleep with him. If it’s going to be a friends with benefits situation, than be careful and communicate when your emotions shift into something more. Be honest about it as well, if he feelings haven’t progressed – don’t get mad. You have to make a decision about whether you can accept that or not, but be mature and rational about it. How you handle that situation could very well determine if he sees you in a different way or not. I know a guy who fell in love with a chick because she was able to take that rejection and keep it moving, positively. He initially said he wasn’t ready for relationship, but when she maintained her friendship with him (drama free); he eventually developed feelings for her as she did for him. They are getting married next month. Goes to show patience is a virtue!

Pretending you are a “Good Girl” when you know you are a “Freak” – They (I mean men) have all heard it before. The declaration comes from all types of chicks, “I don’t usually….”, “I’m not this or that type of chick”, “I’m not into….” If it was true, you wouldn’t have to say it; your action would reflect it. It’s understandable to want to explain what kind of woman you are and what you are usually accustomed to. However, if you are taking a guy home on the first night to have sex, explaining to him that you usually don’t do this, is not going to change the fact that he is going to hit that and have some doubts about you afterwards. He may not totally disregard the possibility of a relationship, but there will be concerns. I know chicks some of them friends, who pretend to be this independent woman who does need a man, who will never get down on the first night, blah, blah, blah, then when a certain dude comes around they are surprisingly doing “new” things. You know you’ve done this before, just embrace that side of you, girl. Every girl wants to be treated a little more special than the chick before her and the potential chick afterwards, but to always claim that you are one type of person when you obviously are doing something different is…well…obvious! Just be yourself and let him fall in love with a genuine person. If he doesn’t like you for you, than it just wasn’t meant to be.

Putting too much on the table – Some chicks want to show that they are independent and not relying on a man, and that they can take care of themselves and will not tolerate games of any kind. That’s cool, but when you start talking about your past relationships and how they ended, it’s not ok to talk about how you keyed a dude’s car, bleached all his clothes, threw a lit cigarette into his gas tank, or whatever other move women do when they’re scorned. It scares them off! They don’t want to mess with a chick that will potentially cut a dude’s penis off if/when they get upset, or come up to the job and make a scene if/when she gets cheated on. This is not to say that they will potential upset you or cheat on you, but they will avoid any form of crazy if it presents itself too early. They are more scared of us physically hurting them, than we are of them emotionally hurting us. Also don’t tell him about every single dude who cheated on you, every single family member that hurt you, or every single friend that is not your friend too early into the relationship. One, who wants to hear all that negative mess early on, I want to meet you for you, tell me about you. Why do I need to hear about every single person who has done you wrong? Two, why do you have such bad luck with people? It’s one thing to have a few experiences that taught you something, but when every relationship you describe is about negativity, it will make him wonder if it’s you and not them. You are basically saying, “These are the reason you don’t want to be with me…”

VERY IMPORTANT – If you just met him, your kids shouldn’t. Women, please do not bring every single dude home to introduce him to your family, if you have not already established that you are in a relationship. The children do not need to meet your friends with benefits that you just met last weekend at the club, nor do they need to see him laying your house after your late night “study sessions”. That’s nasty and this is not the plasma bank. Kids should not consider their living room a waiting room for guys who want to make a deposit. Get to know each other first, spend some time understanding where the friendship/relationship is going to go. If you really want them to meet the potential Mr. Right, let it be during some family activity like the zoo, a picnic, or a family night out to eat. It just concerns me how chicks bring random dudes to the crib with their children home. They may not get it today, but someone is going to school them tomorrow, I promise. If you want to have sex with him, go to a hotel or to his house, just don’t disrespect the children. It’s not cool.

Know something/have ambition – One of my guy friends met a girl who was sexy as hell, body was banging, and she was a little funny. He was smitten from the start of their friendship. She was amazing to him and you couldn’t tell him that she wasn’t going to be his girl. However, when he asked her about her goals and ambitions, she had not one. She told me she didn’t like school, didn’t plan on going back, didn’t like her job, wanted to make more money but didn’t know how. He asked her what she liked to do in her spare time and she replied “watch reality television”. Period. That’s all? He claimed he drilled her for two hours over the phone trying to find out more and she didn’t have anything. He asked what she had going on in her life; her answer was “Nothing, just work.” Who lives like that? You have got to have some ambitions, some passion for life, some goals, and some drive, a career or prospect of one in the future, and something to live for. The purpose of a relationship is to bring two forces together in order to create something more beautiful and powerful, whether it’s a baby, a family, or just love. How can you bring in nothing and expect him to bring in bacon, shelter, clothes, money, ambition, a career, etc. A woman is supposed to hold it down for her man and vice versa, but if you can’t even meet him half way, what’s the point in the journey. That’s when chicks think their looks will come in. No honey, you might reel him in with that ass, but when the relationship gets boring & the checks bounce, so will he!

Learn to Maintain what You started – if you was fly as hell in the beginning when he met you, had your nails done, hair done, did all the freaky things he requested, had dinner on the table, had the house clean, and still managed to put the game on the DVR, then keep it up! Normally and there are exceptions, some men cheat on their girlfriends/wives because another chick is offering something a little different and/or better. Please believe, there are chicks out there who will find out what your man is not getting and supply it for him, some your own friends. If you were this amazing woman that somehow was able to get him to put a ring on it, don’t slouch because you got him. This is a personal suggestion, keep yourself up, keep feeding him, keep him satisfied sexually, talk to him and find out what he likes, loves, and disapproves of. The ring made it official, but nowadays that’s not etched in stone. It’s still a relationship that needs to be nurtured. If he’s still paying the bills, coming home and helping with chores, and satisfying you, then don’t cheat him out of what he’s due. If he’s not than you two need to talk about what you are doing in the relationship. He fell in love with one chick; don’t fall back because you “got” him now. Guys like affectionate and compassionate gestures, too. I leave notes, I send flowers, and I even…role-play (that’s just me. LmaoJ), I do a little bit of everything to show my love and I expect it in return. At the end of the day, if he cheats – I know that I did everything I could do to keep him happy and he was just a trifling ass-hole who was being greedy. You will spend less time getting over him and more time moving on (or getting under somebody else, if that’s you.).

BONUS – Don’t ever fight over a dude. No matter what. If he moved on, than deal with it. If he’s sleeping with the both of you, then leave him alone. If he says he’s not but she says he is, leave his ass alone. There is never any reason to ever hold on to a sleazy man, at all. Why fight? While you over there beating the brakes off the chick, he’s on the other side hollering at girl #3. It’s not worth it. It is especially nasty, for chicks to be rude to the new chick. You broke up with him/ or he broke with you, either way…it’s over. Move one, stop being bitter. It takes more energy to be negative than to be positive. It might hurt to see him bring that new girl around (especially if you got sense enough to know she look better than you), but deal with it like a lady. Introduce yourself, be friendly, no one is saying be her best-buddy, but be cordial. You may gain a good acquaintance, but there is no need to have any new enemies if you don’t have to. Women should stick together like quick weaves and stocking caps.

I hope my suggestions and tips don’t offend. My perspective on things may seem a little “off the chain”, but this is me. I just want my females stop making a fool out of themselves and understand that we have the control. A guy can’t play you, if you don’t put yourself in a position to be played. He won’t treat you like a hoe, if you don’t present yourself like one. It’s about you respecting yourself and communicating what you want, need, and deserve. Sometimes, a woman’s need to feel desirable overrides her common sense and her ability to distinguish between right and wrong. I just want us to do better, by any means necessary.